Rules for Dating my Daughter By Fiyero Tiggular
by TheLIAF
Summary: Fiyero and Elphaba have a teenaged daughter, who, like most teenagers date other teenagers. Fiyero, being the over protective father that he is, goes great lengths to 'protect' his little girl. Oh, Fiyero.
1. Greg

_Rule Number 1: You can't._

"No. N-O. No. I refuse. You cannot. I deny you the privilege." Declared Fiyero Tiggular as he crossed his arms like a child and pouted.

"But _daaaad_!" Whined the sixteen year old girl.

"But_ Aliiiiice_!" Whined Fiyero back.

"Dad!" Huffed Alice Tiggular, "You're so immature!"

"Girlfriend, oh no you didn't." Grinned Fiyero as he snapped his fingers three times. He loved messing with his daughter, but despite the façade he was putting on now, he really meant no when he said no. Her daughter was _not_ dating some punk kid he never met.

"Dad! You haven't even met him! I'm old enough to take care of myself!"

With those words, Fiyero shut down. His little girl…old enough to take care of herself? No, she needed him. He was daddy Tiggular, and little Alice Tiggular needed protecting. When Fiyero snapped back to reality, he realized that his daughter was gone.

"Alice?"

The raven haired girl entered the living room in which Fiyero was sitting in.

"Yes, dad?"

"I said no." Said Fiyero firmly.

"Well, mom said I could."

Fiyero perked up, "ELPHABA!"

Elphaba Thropp-Tiggular stepped into the room, "Yes, dear?"

"Did you allow Alice to date some punk kid that I don't like, know, or approve of? Did you? Huh? DID YOU?"

"Yes."

"Whyyyyyyy?" Whined Fiyero, "My authority over our child, gone because of your reckless decision!"

Elphaba sighed, "Fiyero, she's able to take care of herself. And besides, if our daughter was a son instead, you'd be rooting him on; to get with every girl as far as the eye could see. Admit it."

"No…well, a little." Admited the father.

"That's sexist, dad." Scoffed Alice.

Before Fiyero could say anything else, the door bell rang.

"I'll get it!" Shouted Alice as she rushed for the door,"Hi, Greg!" She said happily as a sandy blonde hair young man stepped inside the house.

"Hey, Alice." He said with a grin, "Ready to go?"

"Yeah, just let me get my-"

"Oh no you don't!" Growled Fiyero as he interrupted his daughter.

"Dad!"

"It's ok, Alice, I just want to talk to him." Said Fiyero menacingly.

Greg gulped, "Sure thing, Mr. Tiggular."

"Come with me to the kitchen, Greg, I want to show you something."

The frightened teenager followed Fiyero into the kitchen, where he was greeted with the father stabbing a long knife into a cutting board.

"Oh Shiz." Stuttered the blonde.

"You see this, Greg? This is my favourite knife." Started Fiyero.

Greg started to sweat.

"Do you know why it's my favourite knife, Greg?" Continued Fiyero, "It can cut just about anything." He said with a grin.

He pulled the knife out of the cutting board and pointed it at the young man's face, "And if you hurt my daughter, I will cut off your nuts."

* * *

><p>"Greg, wait!" Called out Alice.<p>

The blonde had run out of the Tiggular household the second Fiyero had threatened him.

"No way, man, your dad's crazy! Crazy I say!" Screamed the panicked teenager as he disappeared down the street.

The teenager sighed and retreated back into the house passing her father on the way. She shot him a glare.

"What?" Asked Fiyero innocently.

Alice ignored him and stalked off to her room.

"That was the third one this month." Stated Elphaba with an amused expression on her face.

"Well I can't help if it none of these punks are good enough for Alice, now can I?"

"She hates you now." Continued Elphaba.

"Hey, when the right guy comes, he'll stay, even after I threaten him. Besides, all these stupid boys she brings over are superficial and shallow, remember?"

One of Alice's potential dates had nearly fainted at the sight of Elphaba, who had an odd skin condition called... green skin.

"Hmm, reminds me of a certain boy when I was university. He was the rudest, shallowest, most spoilt young man I have ever had the displeasure of meeting." Mused Elphaba.

Fiyero's blue eyes twinkled, "It's ok, you married me and never had to see him again." He said with a smirk.

A loud bang was heard from upstairs, in the general direction of Alice's room. Someone was raging.

"She seems…unhappy." Stated Fiyero.

Elphaba waved her hand, "She'll have another 'boyfriend' in a week, count on it."

"Course my genes, giving her uncanny good looks!" Laughed Fiyero as he put the knife back into the kitchen drawer.

Elphaba smiled as she walked into their bedroom, seeing her husband and daughter duke it out every time a boy was over was always fun. She almost couldn't wait for the next one.


	2. Kellen

_Rule Number 2: If you're somehow an exception to rule number 1, I swear to Oz I better like everything about you._

"Please, daaad, please!" Begged the raven haired girl.

Fiyero grunted as he stared intently at the television set. _Oh my Oz, bottom of the ninth, we're down two runs. Oh my Oz, runners on all the bases, two outs. Oh my Oz… _

"Dad? Are you even listening?" Huffed the teenager.

Fiyero ignored his daughter as the pitcher threw the ball. Strike one.

"Oz dang it! Oz dang it all!" Roared the Ozian Wizards' fan. Fiyero loved baseball, and he also loved not losing.

"Dad." Said Alice again.

"Hush!"

The pitcher threw the second ball, the batter swung and…missed.

"A pox on you, you stupid Munchkin Team! Curse you all and your stupid, stupid…hats, and…Argh!" Screamed Fiyero as he threw his Wizards hat to the floor in rage.

"Daaaad…" Sighed Alice.

"Just go ask your mother." Grunted Fiyero, not even looking at her.

"Fine, whatever." And with that, the teenager stalked off.

The passionate Ozian Wizards fan watched intently as the batter swung for the third ball…and struck out.

"Three strikes, you're out!" Declared the umpire.

Fiyero cursed explosively as he kicked over the coffee table. He only stopped to take a breather once he heard the doorbell ring.

"We're not buying anything!" He shouted out.

Elphaba rolled her eyes as she went to go open the door, "Hello, young man." She greeted the visitor.

"Dad, it's my date." Sighed Alice, "I was trying to tell you that he'd be picking me up, but apparently someone cares more about baseball than their own daughter. No big deal." Shrugged the teen.

"What? No!" Objected the father, "You're not dating some lame weirdo that I don't like!"

"Oh, Fiyero, must we go over this again?" Chided Elphaba as Alice's date stepped into the house.

Fiyero glared at the intruder, a rather tall young man, with chocolate brown hair and eyes to match. _What the, I think he's taller than me!_ Thought an appalled Fiyero.

"No, I don't like him already. Just look at the way he stands!"

Everyone turned to look at the boy, his posture was just about perfect.

"He slouches too much." Finished Fiyero with a snort.

"Hello, Mr. Tiggular. My name is Kellan." Said the young man politely.

The overprotective father's eyes narrowed, _Oh my Oz, I love his name._

"Yeah? Well, go away, _Kellan_. The Wizards just lost the game and I'm not in a good mood, so you better scram."

"Sir, can't we work this out?" Asked Kellan with a pout.

"No, leave." Stated Fiyero, "Wait, on second thought, come to the kitchen with me…"

Elphaba slid between the two males, "I don't think you'll be able to scare him off, dear, he seems fine with me so far." She said with a smirk.

"And I know how you feel, sir, I hate that Munchkin team!" Grumbled the brunette, "Always being stupid with their…stupidity and…like, hats, and stuff."

Fiyero glared at the boy, "What's your favourite colour?"

"Blue."

"Animal?"

"Horse."

"Sport?"

"Basketball."

Fiyero perked up, he would have to pwn him in basketball later.

"Your grade point average?"

"3.7"

"How much do you like me?"

"I absolutely love you, sir."

"Play any instruments?"

"Electric bass."

"Zombie apocalypse plan." Finished Fiyero.

Kellan grinned, "Starting at home, school, the mall, an outdoor facility or another country, sir?"

The father sighed as he turned to look at his daughter, who was staring at him with her pleading blue eyes. _Why did she have to inherit my trademark puppy dog eyes…_thought Fiyero scornfully.

"Fine, go." Relented the father as he collapsed back into his armchair in front of the television.

Both teenagers broke out into giant smiles, "Thank you, dad!" Shouted Alice as she hugged Fiyero and gave him a quick kiss on the cheek before grabbing the arm of her date and rushing out the door.

"You better have her home by 9:30 or I swear to Oz, I'm cutting your nuts off!" Called Fiyero out to the couple.

Elphaba stared at him, it was an empty threat and he knew it. Fiyero Tiggular seems like a jerk on the outside, but on the inside, he's just one big softie.

He pouted as he stared back, "I hope you're happy now, Elphaba. If she comes home pregnant, I'm blaming you!"

Elphaba smirked as she sat on the couch and flipped through the channels, "Cool story, bro. Tell it again."


	3. Avaric

_Rule Number 3: When I say 9:34, I don't mean 9:35, I don't mean 9:34:21, I mean 9 Oz dang 34!_

Alice Tiggular yawned as she closed the door behind her, it had been a long night, and she couldn't wait to get some sleep. Just as she started to walk through to living room to get to her room, she was stopped by a voice.

"Where have you been?" It said.

Alice cringed, "You know where… on my date?"

A chair slowly turned to face the girl. Fiyero was sitting in his bathrobe and wearing his pink slippers, looking agitated as he munched on a slice of cake.

"Do you have _any _idea what time it is?" He half shouted as he took another angry bite of cake.

"Dad, its 9:32." Sighed Alice as she pointed to the grandfather clock sitting in the living room.

"EXCATLY! Where were you for that extra two minutes, huh? That's two minutes of you possibly being raped or worse! I said 9:30! I nearly had a heart attack!" Shouted Fiyero as he swallowed his bite of the chocolate cake.

Alice closed her eyes as she pinched the bridge of her nose, "Oh, dad. You know I love you but, how in Oz's name did you ever get mom to marry _you_?"

"What's that supposed to mean?" Said the father angrily, "Oh my Oz! You're pregnant aren't you?"

Fiyero stood up, "Are you? You better not be!" He yelled frantically.

"Dad, dad, dude, bro, dad, I'm fine. Really, you're overreacting…and delusional, I didn't say anything about being pregnant…"

"Ok, ok, calming down now." Fiyero took as few deep breaths and finished the rest of his cake and reached for another slice, "I just don't want anything to happen to you. We don't even know this kid, how come I've never seen him around before?"

"His family's here on vacation, they don't actually live around here."

Fiyero paled, "Then how do you know he's not some crazy undercover magical Horse that wants to use your body for experiments on his quest for eternal life?"

Alice smiled, "Dad, I think you should lay off the cake after nine." And with that, Fiyero's daughter skipped off to her room.

Muttering something about no respect, Fiyero sat back down in his chair and dialed a number on his phone, after a few rings, it connected.

"Avaric? Yeah, hi, it's Fiyero."

"Ohh, hey, bro! How've you been?" Came the reply from the other line.

"Good, good, how's Galinda and the kid?"

"Pretty good, but I miss the bachelor life, man." Sighed Avaric.

"Dude, same. It's been sixteen years of stress caused by the family, well actually mostly just the kid. I swear, she's pregnant and not telling me!" Fiyero half sobbed as he took a large bite of cake.

"I didn't know seven year olds could get pregnant!" Exclaimed Avaric, "That other kid must have been a regular Casanova! In other words, almost to my level of swag, but not quite." He added.

"How…what…Avaric, my daughter is sixteen."

There was silence on the other line before a long sigh was heard.

"Fiyero, we're old. It's been nine years since I've see your kid?"

"Well, it's your own fault for moving to the Gillikin."

"That was Galinda's idea!" Protested Avaric.

"It's your own fault for marrying Galinda."

"What are you implying?" Came the dangerously calm reply.

"Nothing, nothing. Anyways, I just called to say that I miss you broskii, hugs and kisses!" Fiyero nearly sang the last part.

"You're sounding an awfully a lot like Galinda, Tiggular."

"What's so bad about that? You sick of her?" Smirked Fiyero.

"Are you trying to get me to divorce her again? Curse you and your jealousy issues!" Retorted Avaric.

"It's ok. I have my own wife."

"Whatever, bro."

Fiyero smiled, he missed just talking to Avaric, his best friend since he could remember, like this.

"Is there any actual, legitimate reason for you calling me? Its 9:40 you know, it's late."

"Well, yes, you know how I have trust issues right?"

"Wait, this doesn't have anything to do with me, does it?" Asked Avaric, remembering the time he stole Fiyero's diary full of secrets, photocopied the pages and posted them around the school and on the internet.

"What? No, this is about my daughter!"

"And not your diary? Ok, carry on."

"First off, that was a journal! And we swore to never talk about that incident again!"

"We swore never to talk about how you wet the bed until you were twelve, gotcha."

Fiyero broke into a string of curses.

"Or how you cried when I forced you to watch "A Super Scary Movie: The extended director's cut." Right?"

"We were ten!"

"We were twenty-one. I remember because that was like a decade and something years ago on my birthday."

"Anyways," Growled Fiyero, "I don't trust my daughter, like at all."

"Proceed."

"And now she's dating some kid that I don't like, but I do like his name, but besides that fact, I don't like him!" Said Fiyero in a single breath.

"…And what do you want me to do?"

"Any advice? I was thinking that I'd beat up his dad or something, make him dump Alice and never come back."

"That's a terrible idea."

"Oh, true. Alice might find out that I caused her boyfriend to break up with her." Sighed the father warily.

"No, it's a terrible idea because we all know that _you'd_ be the one getting beaten up!"

"He can't possibly bring himself to hit me! Just look at this face, it's practically a national treasure!" Smirked Fiyero.

"I haven't seen you in a decade, bro. But judging from this old picture that I'm staring at, you were pretty stupid looking... Oh, wait, my mistake, that's that Munchkin dude, Biq."

"Any other ideas then, Av?"

"Well, how about you tag along on their next date then?"

"I don't think they'd act as natural as they would if I was with them."

"That's why you don't get caught! Go find some secret super awesome spy outfit and spy on them!"

"Avaric, you're a genius! This plan is fool proof! Finally, I can use my box of fake moustaches!"

"You still have that?" Muttered Avaric.

Fiyero ignored his friend's comment, "Now I just have to examine their every move and if this kid's actually not a bad dude, Alice can date him! Avaric do you know what this means?"

"You're stupid?"

"No, that I'm about to commence, OPERATION BEST DAD EVER!"

"Good luck with that," Laughed Avaric, "Oh snap, I gotta go, Galinda's getting impatient with me."

"I thought you said it was late?"

"Of course it is! That's when all the fun begins!" Said Avaric slyly.

"Don't let your son see and end up horribly scarring him."

"Dude, he's joining us."

Fiyero nearly choked on his cake, "WHAT? I THINK THAT'S ILLEGAL!"

Avaric frowned, "What so bad about having family time?"

"FAMILY TIME? FAMILY TIME? YOU SICK, SICK…AVARIC!"

"Wow, Yero, I didn't think you hated watching movies with your family so much. No wonder your marriage is failing."

Fiyero chuckled nervously, "Oh, _that's_ what you meant."

"Brainless." Chucked Avaric.

"And my marriage is _not _failing!"

Fiyero heard Avaric laugh again as Galinda said something in the background.

"Later, bro." Said Avaric one last time as he hung up.

_Alrighty then, time for Operation Bravo Delta Echo/ BEST DAD EVER! _He thought.


	4. Early Evening

**_Did I just...I think I did! I think i just updated! *Is super sorry D: and really has no excuse :S* I think my writting style might have changed...hopefully for the better._**

**_hehe. wicked reference. XD_**

* * *

><p><em>Rule Number 4: Don't you dare pass up the floor corn.<em>

"Dad! I'm going out!" Called out Alice.

"Uh huh, ok, honey, have fun." He mumbled absent mindedly as he took a big bite of his buttered toast.  
>Everything was better with butter. Even those stupid little broccoli sprouts Elphaba made him eat. He loved butter, it was so creamy and delicious, and Wait…what did Alice just say?<p>

Fiyero jumped to his feet and slid toward the door; thank Oz for socks and hard wood floors.

"Why? With who? When? Where? No!" He panted.

"With…Kellen. We're going to watch that new movie about shirtless vampires and sparkling werewolves." Replied the girl slowly.

Fiyero was going to shout 'no', a big, loud, rejecting word to crush her hopes and dreams, but that'd make him seem like a bad dad. He didn't want that. The old father also remembered the conversation he had with his old friend on the phone a few nights ago; he'd finally get the chance to launch Operation Best Dad Ever.

"Oh ok, have fun." Said the father, a little too quickly as he sat down in front of the television with his wife, who was watching a documentary on murderous cats.

A little stunned with her father's mild act of bipolar disorder, Alice Tiggular walked out of the house where she was greeted by her date.

"Whatever you're planning, it's a bad idea." Stated Elphaba bluntly.

"How would you know?"

The green woman turned up the volume on the program, "Because I'm a genius."

Fiyero got up and grabbed his coat, "Yeah, ok. Have fun watching cats kill people." Once out the door, he look at his car, then to his bike, and back to his car, deep in thought. The car would mean not having to exercise, but he was pretty sure anyone would notice the bright purple sports car, let alone his daughter.

Grudgingly, he hopped onto his bike and peddled toward the movie theater. Once there, Fiyero was panting and wheezing, not because he was unhealthy, no he was as fit as a fiddle! He just forgot his…no, he swallowed a bug and…he was just tired, and not because he was fat, okay?

"An adult ticket for "Early Evening" please." He told the boy at the counter.

"Oh, you don't want to watch this movie, sir. It's stupid. Really. You're better off watching "1000 ways to be mauled by cats".

Fiyero's brows furrowed, "Just give me my ticket, kid."

The boy shrugged and gave the man his ticket. In the theater, Fiyero found the theater to be almost at full capacity. To his right, he could see Alice and the boy, Kellen together. He growled.

"Dude, sit down!" Shouted a random guy behind him.

Looking around, the father realized that there were no empty seats in his area. In fact, the only vacant spot was directly in front of the young couple.

_Shiz. No, screw this. I'm not getting caught. No._

Fiyero got down on all fours and started to crawl to the seat in front of his daughter and her date, trying to avoid the gross orange sticky stuff and floor popcorn. Well, that's if it was stale, I mean, if it was fresh and buttery, why not?

The middle aged man slinked into his spot in front of his V. with an arm full of floor corn, hot buttery floor corn. Sucks to be the dude that dropped it.

Snacking on his floor popcorn, Fiyero strained his ears to listen in on the conversation the two were having behind him, to no avail. Curse his fantastic parenting to make his daughter not blurt out random shiz like the dude beside him.

"I love previews!" Cheered the man, slurping on a can of pop through his glow in the dark straw.

"Shut up." Growled Fiyero, throwing some popcorn into his mouth.

"But I love previews. They tell me what to look forward to!" Grinned the man.

Fiyero suddenly recognized the voice, "Avaric?"

"Oh, man! Bro! What are you doing here?"

Fiyero put a finger to his lips, "Spying on the kid and her stupid date."

"No way! Me too!" Grinned Avaric.

"Hey, shut up!" Shouted a voice, a few rows up.

"He's right. Mine's right behind us. "Whispered Fiyero.

"That's okay, I don't even know where mine went. I found floor corn, and we all know that you don't pass up floor corn."

Fiyero nodded. That was the rule.

A loud intro suddenly played as a young hairy man appeared on the screen, breaking down a tree with his bare hands as a rather pale girl stood uselessly behind him.

Both Avaric and Fiyero let out a groan, this was going to be a stupid movie.


End file.
